MUSICIAN. SINGER. PHOTOGRAPHER. BLOGGER. JESUS FOLLOWER.
Change happens at the speed of life.
If you had told me a few weeks ago that today I would be packing up all of my worldly possessions in preparation to move to California, I would have said you were crazy.
But, here I am, sitting in my living room, surrounded by boxes and storage bins, wondering how or why life changes so fast and if I’m honest, a lot scared about my future. But don’t worry, it’s an excited I-can’t-believe-this-is happening kind of scared.
What I’ve learned about myself in the last three moves I’ve made is how unattached I am to my belongings. Heck, I am selling every stick of furniture I own (hit me up if you need a TV, couch, kitchen table or dresser) and I have taken (quite literally) eight bags of stuff to the goodwill and salvation army. And I know, I’m sorry, I should have given you all some of my rad clothes and shoes, but ain’t nobody got time for dat.
I am by nature a sentimental person. I absolutely LOVE hearing how much I am loved by the people closest to me, I get a little weepy over sappy cards and letters and there are a few cherished items that I doubt I will part with, but overall, I am quite willing to let things go and start over. (I am dreading the price tag that will come with buying all new things…but let’s not get into that just yet…)
And you all know I look for the spiritual and emotional meaning behind just about everything that happens in the physical, so I have also been dwelling a bit today on the people I am leaving behind. There are a few (aside from my amazing family) who throughout the years I have held tightly to and that I won’t let slip away…but then there are the relationships that I know I don’t need anymore, so they emotionally get bagged up and passed on to the next person as well.
Maybe that sounds mean, and believe me, I don’t mean it to. It’s just that we sometimes outgrow friendships or jobs or people like those tight jeans you hold onto, hoping you’ll fit into again. They are just taking up space for the right sized jeans (or people) to come into your life.
Starting over isn’t always a bad thing, whether it’s clothes and furniture or people and places. What have you been holding onto that you should have taken in to the donation bin a while ago? Past hurts? Resentment? Disappointment? Failed relationships?
Yup. Me too.
But here’s the great news, you can start over any day that you want…you don’t need a brand new location to do it in. Just let it go and keep your eyes open for the opportunities that are presented to you everyday. Embrace who you are today (maybe two jeans sizes bigger!) and find your happiness. Find people who love you for you, a job that you are excited about and things you enjoy doing. We aren’t getting any younger. <cue “Forever Young” song here>
So…now the real truth:
1. I am going to miss having my family so close by. It has been nice to have them all just 25 minutes away again.
2. I am going to miss my cute little doggie. She’s the hardest part to leave behind. If tears didn’t well up in your eyes, then you must not know how sweet my little Scarlet is.
21 days until the journey starts to Orange County.
The Dark Side
Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. - Yoda
Don’t ask me why I know Star Wars quotes…I just do.
We all have a dark side. Each and every one of us. Yes, even you.
Think back to the news stories where a husband kills his wife and kids and then himself, and when the TV journalist interviews the neighbor, they say things like “John was the nicest neighbor we ever had, I can’t even believe he would do something like this!”
Or the parents who find out their child is a mass murderer and they plead with the public that they are innocent “My little Jack was the sweetest boy you’d ever meet, he was a straight A student and the class president.”
Yup. No freakin’ idea that these people were capable of such horrors.
The scary reality is that we ALL have this ability to become the worst version of ourselves in the snap of a finger. Our dark side if you will.
Ok, and maybe not to the extent of being a unibomber or planning terrorist attacks, but a dark side nonetheless.
We are faced with hard times in this life. We lose a loved one. We go through a terrible breakup. Someone cuts us off in traffic. You are lied about, cheated on. You lose your job, house and car.
Life happens.
We make a bad choice that causes us to lose the respect of the people who love us. You have a fight with your best friend and never speak to them again.
We happen.
I know I am not the only one.
I can look back on certain situations I have been through and I think “why did you do/say that??” The really scary thing is that I have been in the moment of said situations and knew that I shouldn’t be doing or saying something, but have been unable to stop myself. It’s actually really frightening to me to know that I have had the conciousness of it and still couldn’t keep it from happening.
Yikes times two.
I have had to learn to force myself to watch my actions. And I fail at it a lot more than I am willing to admit, but hey, one step at a time. It’s had to be a moment of reflection when I place all emotion aside and look at something straight one and think “what would I tell someone else if they were about to do what I am about to do?”
A very wise and loving friend said something the other day, that really struck me. He said, “just write it all down on paper and read it out loud to yourself.”
What if I always did that when I feel the dark monster rise up in me? What if I made better choices in the long run by taking the time to dwell on things for a moment longer instead of giving into the fears and emotions that are trying to overtake me?
It’s a work in progress my friends. But let’s face it, the Dark Side didn’t work out so well for Darth.
There’s PURPOSE in the PROCESS…
Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.
Why I like a little Starbucks with My Chick-Fil-A.
Ok, let’s be honest, Starbucks doesn’t have the best tasting coffee known to man, but I do find their Thanksgiving blend to be one of the tastiest brewed coffee I’ve tried.
Here’s what Starbucks does have going for them: the experience, the convenience and the consistency. You know that no matter which Starbucks you find yourself dragging into each morning that your tall soy caramel macchiato is going to taste exactly the same. They do what is expected and they do it with a caffeinated smile and an overly friendly “good morning!”
So, speaking of coffee, has anyone heard that Starbucks is for same sex marriage?
GASP.
SHOCK.
DISAPPOINTMENT.
UTTER DEPRESSION.
I lied, I actually didn’t feel any of those things. And to be honest, I don’t really care. Starbucks is not my moral compass (and hey, while we’re all being honest, neither is Chick-Fil-A). Both of these establishments provide me with exactly what I’m looking for in them: the aforementioned soy caramel macchiato and those hot, fresh and crispy waffle fries. For the win!! (or FTW for all you internet speak savvy acronym folks out there)
It may shock you that I will not be picketing any place that is for same sex marriage. As a side note, did you know that Amazon and Apple also fall into these categories? Say goodbye to your Kindle and your iPhone folks.
Anyway back to my non-picketing. I won’t be doing any form of it because it’s ignorant. This means internet forums, Facebook status updates or #tweets.
Here’s the scoop, making same sex marriage illegal will not stop same a sex couple from having a relationship. Period. A law will not enforce it, it will only breed hate for those who are against it. And if you are advocating hate, you aren’t leaving any room to love anyone. I don’t care who you are, Christian or not, hate should not be tolerated.
Pray for the people around you. Pray for your family and use this as a reason to talk about homosexuality with your children in a calm dignified and respectful manner. Pray for the leaders in our country. And pray for those who need Jesus.
And my advice to you? If you decide not to buy another cup of anything from your local Starbucks, or some tasty waffle fries from Chick-Fil-A, keep it to yourself. For one thing, you’re irritating me with your ignorance and stupidity, and secondly, you WILL eventually drink a Starbucks again when the newness of this has worn off and then you’ll be nothing but a hypocrite. I’m really doing you a favor by saving you the shame later on in life.
You’re welcome.
Believe what you believe, and teach your children the morals and values you believe in your own home and stop depending on America to do the job for you, whatever your stance may be.
Fear.
I have an irrational fear of fish. It’s really quite understandable ridiculous if you think about it.
The thing is that I have absolutely no idea where this fear even came from. I can’t recollect an especially traumatic moment that has been seared into my memory, it’s just always been there. I do have a smattering of really creepy things that happened that have to do with fish, but these are happened long after I recognized that I have a subconscious hate and dislike and all out fright of these poor little creatures.
Like the time I was working for a security company that had a seven pound (no joke) goldfish that they thought was so charming. It would jump up and tap the top of the fish tank when it was hungry and other than that, did nothing that was even remotely interesting. I arrived at work really early after a three day weekend to find that it had jumped out of the tank and was quite literally pasted to the carpet. His bulging eyes were staring at me when I walked in the door.
I wish I could get that lovely vision to disappear. Yuck.
That would probably be enough to scare anyone, including the building maintenance who rushed in at the sounds of my blood curdling screams who had to cut the carpet around the dang thing to get it out of the office.
So, no clue why the fish fear even started. But I am deathly afraid. I start to sweat and twitch just walking by a fish tank at the pet store. It’s beyond silly and I have no basis or foundation for it. I have just accepted the fact that I am scared so I do everything in my power to avoid them.
Another thing you should know is that I love the beach. I’d spend my days with a margarita, a book and Pacific Beach if I could. But I will only go just a few feet into the water because I know that if I see even one fish, I’ll probably drown immediately from the flailing of arms and rush to get the H out of the water if you know what I mean.
The sad thing is that this irrational fear is also keeping me from enjoying something that I desire. The cool, fresh, beautifully crashing ocean water.
I wonder how many fears we allow to control us. And not just fears, but the irrational, unfounded ones. How many joys in life we miss out on because the fear takes precedence over them.
Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of what people will say or think. Fear of how our lives might completely change.
What if we stopped allowing fear to dominate our lives? There’s freedom directly on the other side of walking through it if only we would be willing. Like making fear our you-know-what (if you don’t know “what”, I’m not going to tell you, just trust me, you need to make it that).
Now, granted, I’m not entirely sure how to shuck the fish phobia, but I do know that if the water means enough to me, I will figure out a way to wade in past the slimy little bastards.
I mean, beautiful creations.
One step at a time.
